So I know it’s my own fault because I always look for the absolute cheapest haircut I can find. I was doing so great in Greenpoint; Oralis did a great job, really knew my hair, and best of all, wasn’t too talkative. (Believe it or not, I really prefer a limited amount of conversation when I’m getting my hair cut.) Not to mention that the salon was located near the most amazing donut shop.

Then one day I called to schedule, and was told that Oralis had moved to Miami. Next haircut I got with the owner, so that was fine, but then after that there was a New Guy. Some of you may remember the lovely line on my neck where his clippers had dug in. I went back one more time after that, but skipped the clippers. Then it was back to Supercuts, because coupons!

Supercuts has been hit or miss, which is fine because it’s what I’m used to my entire life. Cheap haircut, might come out okay, might not come out that great, but hey, cheap haircut!!!

So tonight I walked in and there were two people working, neither of whom I had seen before. At first glance, I knew who I hoped would be cutting my hair.

Spoiler alert: I got the other one.

I thought we started out okay, until I realized that she was cutting one side of my hair shorter than the other. Okay, maybe she’ll fix it. I had asked to have the bottom back cut with a #3 clipper, and at first I don’t think she sliced me (that came later). Her scissors were dull, though, to the point that she commented, “I don’t know what’s going on with these scissors”. Ummm…you cut hair. I would think good scissors would be important… but what do I know?!

I was watching to see if she was going to even out the sides, sensing that this was not going to end well. At this point, I have to admit that I was excited because I knew this was going to be a great story…

I should mention that when I sat down, she actually didn’t start cutting my hair for a few minutes because she was listening to this radio show that was on and wanted to hear what was happening. No biggie, I didn’t have to be anywhere, but still.

She was talkative, but more “TMI” than awkward. First she had her diatribe about the radio bit (woman caught her husband cheating; cue “all men are awful” commentary, which I don’t disagree, but it was a little awkward with the male stylist cutting a man’s hair right next to us). This led to a conversation about how rich this woman was going to get when she divorced her cheating husband. Yada yada yada, different stories about money and the other stylist chiming in about how people who get a lot of money usually blow it. He gave two examples of this, one of a kid who didn’t do right by his mother, and she glommed on to that statement, saying “Your parents are pretty much the next thing to God, since they gave you life”. Now, she wasn’t saying this directly to me, but as you can imagine, I felt slightly attacked, especially when she quoted the 4th commandment in its entirety. But oh well, she didn’t know.

From there, the conversation trailed off, and she started talking about how tired she was. “I feel like I’m about to fall over…ha ha ha, I don’t even know what I’m doing with your hair!” (this while she was working on the back of my head, which turned out to be the least of my problems.) “I’m so tired; I’m beyond exhausted.”

I mentioned above that she hadn’t shredded my neck; however, towards the end she seemed to be haphazardly swiping at the back of my neck with the clippers.

And yep, that’s exactly what she was doing:

(meh, it’s just a flesh wound…)

But then she continued… “shaping”?! the sides. Still had the clippers out, and it’s hard to see from the pictures, but she did some random jagged thing on both sides (which I think are probably still not the same length anyway). She went beyond the pink part of my face (the part that sees the sun) and shaved past that to where I am now going to have to strategically apply sunscreen.

(I can’t get a good picture of it, but the primary problem with this haircut is what she did to the sides. Because I don’t KNOW what she did to the sides. Or why she did it. Or how she has a hairdresser’s license…but I digress.)

And then there was the front of the hair, which she really didn’t cut at all…but the way things were going, I didn’t think it was wise to request that she continue cutting.

So much grey…

As I sit here, I am still in a bemused sort of shock, because seriously, this is probably the worst haircut I’ve ever had. And I don’t even know how or where I would begin to get it remedied, especially the fiasco with the sides.

But I have a feeling getting it fixed will probably cost more than $20…

Ah, it’ll grow.